Nothing

  I was thinking about the movie 'Eat Pray Love', starring Julia Roberts and I began thinking to myself. Why do I like this movie?

I don't think that the film is the story of my life. While true they told a lot of true, inspirational thoughts. Though for me the answer is quite complex and simple.

  I want to know who I am and why  I settle for things. I settle with my partner even though he hurts me and has no re-guard for my well being. I settle with disappointment from my loved one's, for which I ask nothing in return but do for willingly. The truth is I'm not sure this is a formidable habit or whether I really do function with a sense of masochistic nature.

Dolce Far Niente (The sweetness of doing nothing.)

Luca Spaghetti 

 “You don’t know how to enjoy yourself. Its true Americans know entertainment, but not pleasure. Americans work too hard, you get burnt out and you come home and spend the whole weekend in your pajamas in front of the TV.”





Tis true, misery loves company. However; misery seems to follow the weary; which it seems almost, inevitable for this American Girl to escape.

Post Observation

Well I've been out of the hospital for a while and it turns out the stroke was actually a migraine involving a long history of genetically transferred figments or medically noted: scintillating scatomas. Which it the doctor's nice way of saying, I may have had a stroke. However; this is nothing that is going to cause long lasting severe damage. In fact many people are deceived by these relative symptoms everyday. So I discontinued the blood thinners and my life is back to normal. Also for those of you with inquiring minds, Aiden is perfectly well has more health then me and Alex combined. So all well ends well I suppose. Hope everyone has a good day and thank you for reading.

I Gave Them Blood

Hey Everyone,

I just got back from the hospital yesterday. Turns out I had a transient ideological attack; which in less fancier words means I had a stroke without known cause. When I first came to the hospital the right side of my body was experiencing tingling and numbness. More notably in my face and the ability to express myself was limited. A lot like the same effects of a patient who received Novocaine for the full face and the side effects for one side of their face hasn't worn off. In some ways we should have seen this coming, but as most of you will note. I'm hyperactive so lots of movements, so our (my mom, Tiffany and I...) thought was, I was just standing up to quick. Then later it became more of a were medical people so we know what's best and blah, blah, blah I'm sure you get the picture. Anyway I went to the ER and I stayed for 3 days. My white blood cell count was high, my pulse rate dropped and I had some nausea and dizziness for a while. So I had that nice little bracelet colored yellow for 'Fall Risk' to accompany my red band for 'Allergies' and white band for 'Inpatient Care'. I got to explore my sweet tooth with a ridiculous amount of oatmeal cookies and chocolate cake. Lay on a pressurized bed that changed every 5 seconds, while with a IV located in, yes IN my tendon and heart monitor with all sorts of cords. Ungodly wake-up calls for all sorts of tests where we experimented for clotting. Cardiograph, MRI, Cat Scan, Cardioid Artery Exam and everyone's personal favorite which is a memory test for motor skills. (You know with the flash cards and the same damn pictures day, after day.) Anyhow, lol the trip ended with a full face recovery. Which I have no notable paralyzing side affects. I was prescribed lovenox (in replacement to the baby aspirin they were giving me as an inpatient.) and I was excessively relieved to receive news, Aiden (The baby, I'm pregnant with) is ok. So any additional questions you guys have you can shoot me in an email. Otherwise no worries and all the best from Aiden and I.

Yours,
Lindsay

Heavily Broken

I get so tired of spending the entire day alone. I'm just waiting for the final day, that he admitts that he's not coming home. That the person I used to love is not the person that's here to stay. That the person I used to love, is a person that's faded away. I'm a little bemused really the way he talked about his dad. How he complains about not fighting and the time he never had. Well he has the time right now, to set the record straight. Though all the time is wasted as he's filled himself with hate. It wasn't easy for me as I comfort myself to sleep. Another day goes by and I'm forcing myself to eat. I'd never hurt my baby, I would never wish it sad. He wasn't the only one, who had gotten hurt by dear ole dad. In fact I'm still plagued with pain as he walks away from life. I'm scuffling to gain my ground, even though the situation isn't bright. I find strength within my mother, strong and self assured. I may not have placed back the pieces, but for hurt I found a cure. It only takes just one, to make the wrong a right. It only takes just one to walk away from the fight. Well that person is right here and the time to start is now. I can only hope one day my kid will say wow. Thank you, mom for being there when it wasn't easy. Thank you mom for staying home instead of leaving me. Thank you mom for loving in a time that was so depressed. Thank you mom for loving, with the heart that's in your chest.

To this I'll shine a smile and sweep there well toned brow. I'll whisper in their ear even softer now. Thank you for you saved me, showed me how to love. Thank you for you gave me a gift from all above. You showed me how to wake up, when my up was down. You gave me a reason to smile, when all I could do was frown. Thank you my baby, for the best part of living. Thank you my baby, for the greatest gift worth giving.

If I traded it all, gave it all away for... ONE THING

My partners name is Alex. I say partner for lack of a better word. We met 8 months ago and if I knew then what I know now, I could honestly say we might be in different places right now. Sometimes I think our relationship is a lot like my artwork. Often times I find myself throwing away an entire page due to one smudge. If I could illustrate my relationship that way, that one smudge would be weed and I'd feel a need to frame it as a reminder. I'm sure anyone reading this, could find loads of skepticism. Like. "surely you knew he was like that when you met him.", "don't like it leave.". However; both Alex and I came from a broken home and the hand-me-downs have to stop. Also for all you potheads and stoners alike reading this.  There is a fine line between something and one thing. When you say the word something, it's a word based in no value. Though one thing, entails that, that's all you'll ever need. There is a lot of things in Alex's life, but his one thing is weed. With a baby on the way and hopes, dreams and aspirations. I need me and my baby to be one thing. Which; if you ask Alex he would say I am one thing. Though to watch the two of us for one day, you'd find that I was really just a something. It makes me sad... It's hard to have half the devotion from someone who holds all of your own. Even in a passive to aggressive relationship. You need same desire from both parts. Not to be corny; however if you read a book, watch a movie, listen to a song. The one thing they all have in common is a desire. Two supers (meaning villain or hero) will fight over a common goal. Power, the reservations for it. Whatever, it may be this pattern is there. Otherwise, you end up with what I like to call the "blank". A void that's filled with nothingness and that is scary. The most horrifying truth, to fear, fear itself.

One Thing Lyrics 
by: Finger Eleven 


Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t wanna know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

Even though I know
I don’t wanna know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t wanna know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
Wouldn't that be something

Chaotic Butterfly

Hi, my name is Lindsay. You know I was laying in bed and I thought.: There is not one day that I haven't acted responsibly. Now in my prime, age 21 I'm pregnant. So I ask myself, do I regret not being a kid. Taking that zig when I could have zagged? I answer, no. Being responsible is something I've always been good at. I blame it mostly on growing up around much older people and having a doctor tell me I might not see the future ahead of me. Having this baby meant more responsibility and unlike my counter half (who is now scuffling for his youth) I welcome the change. This baby, in my opinion if you will... has saved my life. I'm 2 months and 1 day and I used to be consumed with hatred, but I can't do it anymore. I speak freely, act wisely and tell the people I love "I love you." more. I'm sure many will ask, doesn't it bother you that you may die and your kid is left alone? The funny thing is I've never felt alone, not EVER. I have few and far between for family. Most of my mom's side is dead and what great number my dad has is dieing. Though, my baby has two people that I myself have looked to in all my years on this Earth, my sister and my mother. Though what if they die? I turned to my art and books. My point is, alone is never really alone. Even without me, I want to hope that cruel clutches of this world can respect a new beginning when it sees one. A lot like the fragility of a butterfly in it's first moments. If it's raining, it wings will get wet and die. Though if the sun permits or the leaf that it's sitting on provides shelter. That's one more butterfly to assure that life still goes on.